So now...

After I wrote that blog this morning. My mind was just spinning. I was ravenous, I don't think I have ever been as hungry as I have been today in my whole life. And its not like I haven't been eating, I have been. But stocking up on the vitamins was an idiot move at this point, I just didn't need them.
There is yet another golden beautiful aspect to this that dawned on me today while I was just sitting talking with my family.
I have the one thing I have always craved and never had, actually I did have it, we all do, but I never set it as a priority, and so it fell to the bottom of the woodpile.
And that is time, time to be with my family, time to explore myself, my music, my art. I did a little, but never to the extent I always wanted to. It has always been a desire of mine to play the guitar, to play a piano, and I have dabbled a bit, can play a couple songs, play my bass. But no where near anyone else that took it seriously. I just didn't put any real effort into it.
I worked, and came home, ate, slept, got up worked, came home, ate, slept. And this went on for years.
Sure I would go out to eat, shopping all the normal things anyone would do. But again I just didn't put any real effort into having fun, enjoying myself, just playing. It was always the end result I was after, time was ticking you know.
I lost myself on that treadmill. I took care of my family, I made sure they had everything they needed. But the one thing they needed most I never really gave them and that was me. I was too busy making that almighty dollar.
But I wasn't a workaholic, I just was trying to survive the best way I knew how. That is how I was taught.
Here I thought I was never a sheep only to find myself the biggest sheep of all. Following the antiquity of my ancestors and walking down the same trodden path they did before me, where did it lead them? My grandfather died of asbestos poisoning from the construction sites at his job. Died without having a pot to piss in either. Where did all that struggle get him? It doesn't get you anywhere.
What counts in this life is your loved ones, your friends, the laughter, the joy, the happiness. The time you spend together, the love you share, the togetherness.
Hell this is all elementary to us all. I knew it then, we all know it, but I just never took it seriously, or as seriously as I should have.
Well now I have been gaven a great gift, my eyes have been opened. I now do have the time, to be with my family to pursue my dreams, to play, to have fun to enjoy myself.
It's what I always wanted, so I drew this too, and by my own hand this is the only way the Universe could give it to me.
Well a couple months back in October, things got really tough, I had moved out into an apt with my daughter and her fiance. We wanted to make a break for it, or at least that is what I thought I wanted. It crashed and burned in a big way. I went against the grain of things, and despite my reservations about it I thought what the hell I could make it work. Well it takes more than one person to make things work. I was drawing unemployment, and her fiance was working. But we were were not making it. It was horrible financially. Everyone was suffering.
So I did a very idiot thing at this point. In 2003 I bought a mini strat, a little gibson. Nothing extravagant or expensive, but with the best tone and sound, and a little amp. I was so dam happy, you just cant imagine. Over the years that is the one thing I really loved as far as possessions go. Even though I didnt put the effort into playing as I said above, I loved my little strat. That was my dream part of me, my sheer utter joy. A very personal thing.
Well when times got so bad I chose to pawn my little strat and amp. It hurt me so bad to do it, but I really had no choice.
Fuck they only gave me $50 bucks for both!
But now it sits there, Ive been paying the fees for them to hold it, and just haven't had the money to get it out of pawn.
:(
I want my little strat back. More than anything.
I know this must sound so retarded, so materialistic. But it just feels like I sacrificed a part of me, that special part of me, the artist in me, and I feel I really need it now more than ever. I do want to put the effort into it now, I need to now. With all I am I do.
I love you all
so very much
xo xo